If you care enough:

I've moved to http://cityofdelusion.wordpress.com cus wordpress allows password protected posts :)

Goodbye the-deprecated.

i dont understand. Why the insensitivity? I'm not a tool that's only required in time of need. FYI, I'm a human.

You added on to the reasons not to stay on.

I guess in this period of downs and intensity, ive seen different kinds of people. Perhaps God wants to let me see the contrast between the people who really care and the people who doesnt.

Here's what one of my friend did which really touched me during this period of time:



...Thanks pal :)

hw list:
chinese ex 3
math tutorial 9
lit poem
read great expectations
GP file
chem test
study ahead for econs.

i feel accomplished :O im at least ready for schl on monday :O SLACK TIME xD~

decision wise, i'm more or less set. :) i got smth to look forward to alr ;) which i cant disclose..

hanging out with pl band ppl makes me wanna pick up my eupho to play a tune or two.. and just relax and have fun.

i think they just have the thing to make people feel relaxed and welcomed. Maybe its the innocence, maybe its the sincerity. I finally understand why sir seem to love our band so much.

anw, we had supper @ macs after the concert. ate like from 11+pm to 12+am. Cabbed back and dropped amanda(lim) and yel at bishan on the way back.

i miss the craziness, the warmth and the carefree feeling the band radiates.

as their closeness increase with every second together
we drift further as the clock ticks away.

Leaving me with lesser reasons to stay.

what would you say if
i tell you i think i'm falling for you once again?
but i guess i wont have the courage to do so anyway.

got dismissed early cus no gp.
went back to pl.
gotten back my olvl cert.
saw a few of my batchmates.
sry ive got no mood to sound elated/excited/whiny/etc


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

hw list:
chinese ex 3
math tutorial 9
lit poem
read great expectations
GP file
chem test
study ahead for econs.

I miss PAE.
People are becoming so cold now.

sometimes you fight so much for something you desire
till you forget where the heart is
or how to feel for anyone at all.

"..for what is 'that' but 'that'? And 'is' but 'is'?"
-Twelfth Night, Shakespeare.

Here in twelfth night, shakespeare is trying to say that titles are mere words and dont reflect on the real being.

reflected a lot while during the moments tht i was alone at sports day. Feeling rather emo now. How i wish i can continue to adopt this escapist attitude that i used to do in upper sec. Hmm. This yr, ive been deluded - i realised people are so good at putting up fronts and pretence. But behind your back, you'll never know what they truly think and/or truly are.

Also.. i'm quite upset seeing stuff happening around me. heard stuff but i shant say what stuff. leaves you to wonder. I can only say this doesnt involve my cca.

aight i better get started on my math tutorial or else mskuah will kill me :O haha i spoke to her tday after schl haha i think shes nice :D

oh gawd my mum kept pressurising me to make up a decision. i merely snapped "its my business, stop interfereing" and she scolded me :/ gah.......

this is so random but i know alot of u guys do read so yeah. i'll nt be so direct in my this blog anymore. ppl are ALWAYS watching and talking behind ur back. :) selective few of my better friends will know which online blog t refer to ;)

Here I am at the crossroads.
whatever i choose at this point of time will be permanent.

Ohana means family
and family means no one gets left behind.

I guess for this beginning of year, i've made many wrong choices already. Wrong impressions. Wrong perceptions. Of both objects AND people.

oh i had chem tuition ytd. omg my HCI j2 tuition tcher's damn pro. i actually understand chem :O

kester, eugene, edwin, michelle, sarah lsq, etc, thanks for listening/talking to me today. Really appreciate it :)

Save your sympathy
Who do you think you're fooling?
Everything is dead!
Now you welcome me,
To a town called hypocrisy

dilemma.

it feels weird being an observer of your friends' lives
when just a while ago, you were part of them.

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

I need no fame
I want no special powers
all i desire is one good friend
whom i can chat on the phone with for hours.

(edit @ 11pm)
YESSSS IM FINALLY DONE WITH IPW's PI!! Time to attack chem!

my day in summarised form:
-brkfast @ sengkang macs with cel, lydia, mary
-movie Mr Bean's Holiday with mary and brenda
-brenda accompanied me and i got my pullover from b&b
-brenda & i shopped. her church friend joined us. i left ard 5pm and reached home to rush PI.

Goodbye and good night.
(/edit)

---
low self esteem.
i feel as if im always judged wherever i go.

seriously if i didnt suppressed my angst, i'd have just walked off the dinner table.
sometimes it's the way you guys talk tht makes me not wanna go home.
sometimes i wonder why am i always trying hard to not make u guys upset or trying not to waste your money.
i've always felt so proud and blessed to have you guys. dont make me feel otherwise.
don't make me feel tht my comfort zone .. isnt tht comfortable anymore.

and you, please dont be so nice to me. i dont want the same old feeling to come back again.

kind of feeling the blues right now. how ironic, after chatting with tim leong abt him being emo --"

theres this sinking feeling in me. like some kind of uncertainty. i dont like feeling uncertain......

i cant help feeling as if im in a different world. i hardly talk to a lot of my band friends now, i miss my 1st 3 mths friends, i miss pl band. it feels like i dont have a place in anywhere right now.

i feel like an introvert suddenly.

maybe this sinking feeling has been there for long, but suppressed by the large amt of homework tht kept coming. Like what mtc said, to bury my head into work and forget abt all the other stuffs. And i guess i shld forget about expecting stuff to happen cus they wont. mugging is like my escape from all these rubbish feeling im going thru. I think it works cus ive been quite happy for the past few days :]

ok.. i wanna sleep. sleeping is another way to forget all these stuff momentarily.

and dont bother talking to me abt this. because of my environment, ive become so uncomfortable talking to ppl about stuff. Im too used to keeping stuff to my own, and being on my own.

ive got so much to do this weekend:

1. math tutorial 8 (by wed)
2. math prac paper (by mon)
3. chem ws (by mon)
4. PI (DIE DIE by mon)
5. econs case study (by fri)
6. study chi
7. start studying chem or else i'd get to nowhere.
8. start on GP independent learning proj?
9. try chem tutorials for redox and mole concept chapter after figuring out the concepts.

weekend's pretty filled up. namely:
sat -> brkfast with pok & mary, movie with mary and maybe brenda
sun -> out to meet bao pong tong

so much to do, so little time!

photos from last week's chi free period, taken frm rachel's friendster..(studious and bimbo shots):




------------
no.1: if u dont wanna work hard, dont whine.
no.2: if skipping lesson is ur thing, dont complain. or even worry abt retaining.
no.3: if ure trying to seek attention or gain fame by doing such stuff (which i dont wanna mention), its stupid.

im not just referring to any one person in particular, but quite a number of ppl whom i know (may not be in same schl) are like tht. which kinda irritates me cause its your own action which cause u such misery. Do something to salvage the situation, not just sit there and whine. because at the end of the day, its what you do that makes a difference. And if you choose still not to do anything then too bad if u risk the chance of retaining. I'm telling you because i'm a friend. So please wake up.

hello people i'm back :B

i got back my math test and im satisfied with the results :D :D :D gd thing tht i started studyign for it like a week ahead. could have done better but im still satisfied cus those topics tested consist of my weak topics. so yay :D

nxt up chinese test :( why cant we go back to the days where chi was like.. just whack la dont need to mug kind of exam. Now need to remember stuff T_T

meanwhile im so excited for the weekend :D im gg brkfast with lyd pok and mary on sat, then movie with mary aft tht. sunday im gonna meet my bao pong tong! HAHA. bao= huilin, pong=darryl, tong=aloy. :D eggggg-citing weekend.

chem tuition starts on mon and the tuition agent aka my future math tutor, got me a chem tutor who's in j2 at HCI. interesting. math tuition only starts aft 15may.

omg why am i talkin abt accademics. GAH. i have nth to post alr cept for the fact tht kester's so gay till he changed his msn nick to "POOH BEAR" and dp to pooh bear. omg he's the gayest buddy i ever have.

--edited a few seconds later--
oh look, even his reaction's damn gay.

POOH BEAR says:
WHATHE
sheree; \ says:
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
POOH BEAR says:
YOU
POOH BEAR says:
YOU
POOH BEAR says:
YOU
POOH BEAR says:
SHEREE
POOH BEAR says:
YOU

---
omg spiderman 3's coming out soon :D i cant wait!

although the issue doesnt concern me, but im quite put off by the way you put across your ideas.
sometimes youve gotta SHOW the action. not mere words, dude.
stop being so cocky. my goodness.

ok i think i managed to get a tutor already :D yayness.

anyway cool photos taken after our individuals

I am in need of relatively cheap and goood/experienced home tutors for:
H1 chemistry
H2 mathematics

i'd prefer those tutors that target on types of qns, teaches short cut (esp math) if possible, and are very resourceful (like they have many other schl papers etc)

and most importantly they are willing to travel to yishun -.- because my prev supposedly chem tutor dropped me cus i live too far -.-"

I need tutors.. asap! before May if possible or else im doomed for my terms :( email/msn me their contacts and credentials. xsheree@gmail.com. thanks :)

i think i'm overly stressed tht i'm too lazy to start on my work :/
math test was okay i guess. managed to finish (phew) on time to check through.
gp package test i left 1 page blank cus i wasnt fast enough.
maybe i'm only fast with numbers. HA.

managed to spend time with my ex class during one of the 40mins brk today. heard stuffs and aye, i guess we all got to make do with whatever we've got and settle for the 2nd best. we're not in a position to decide which choice yields the least opportunity cost.(hah, bad joke) i hope we'll be happy. hope. and i guess my dream of having a close girl bud (like BFF kind) in schl will be dashed. well, its a dream afterallll..... :/

meanwhile, chi class proved to be interesting today. mass camwhoring cause our laoshi didnt come. and oh its isaac(1ah)'s bday today, so we dedicated a photo to him- taken with him lying on the table with all of us behind him.

okkkk updates on sunday :D

liyun and i went to marina sq to accompany yel to buy his bag. whalao he's damn picky okay. after a long time he finally got it :O

we ate at hans, then headed to concourse shopping mall to studyyy

yel is a big distraction for me and liyun :/ haha. so i ended up reading gp package only. :/

my ipod randomly played Emmanuel VI's pieces.. and nostalgia came flooding between me and liyun. memoirs of the concert as well as the genting trip... priceless :)

photos below :D i shall go bathe then study now :O

been blog hopping :) read some of my graduating band junior's blogs.. felt pretty warmed by their entries. They finally felt the passion for pl band that i've experienced last 2 years, and the relunctance to leave. I'm glad PL band has made such an impact on them and their lives, as it did to me.

PL band, forever.

just for laughs:


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

edit@1145pm

i went stationery shoppping, and i bought this necklace along the way (:



:) shopping makes me happy. always.
but i want that long tinklebell necklace tht i saw at the shop. $20 :( :(

----
out of place.
i cant help being not pretty.
mere superficial.
shared secrets that i do not know.
out of the your world.

trying, but helpless.

i'll be strong, i'll persevere on..
books and music are my best friends :)

i'm thankful for gd friends in schl like sarah lsq, kester, eugene, edwin, engloong, meiling, yujia, charmaine, amanda. Talking to friends like them really make my day, no matter how bad my day was.

i miss having liyun around :(

hw list:
PI (mon)
GP package (mon)
Lit chap summary (tue?)
Lit passage based (tue)
lit great expectations chap 4-6 (asap)
lit brave new world ws? (mon)
Econs lec notes (mon)
chinese journal (mon)
chinese ws (mon)
math test (mon)
figure out chem (asap)


Stand by for another breakdown
Sound off the alarm
Is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become
Stand by for another breakdown
Sound off the alarm
Is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become
Chameleon boy
Chameleon boy

these 2 days

syf :)
dinner
mtc
silver
band
mc
giddy
cherylmk
sg conf hall
sleepy
studying
lit timed assignment

tired. bye.

i am happy.
i am happy.
i am happy.

there, no emo post today. awww?

i think people are getting so resourceful tht i need to put on a facade, even right here at my own online comfort zone. lookin at my stats counter.. ppl have been google-ing my name about. it's quite scary. maybe its time to move? maybe i shldnt express so much of myself in this space.

i'm okay if you read it. but gossip? hmm now thats a lil too much.

so yeah i guess my emotions will be pretty much kept within from now onwards, or in my other journals available online/offline and tht you'll never find out :)

though i look weird here but.. my dear juniors never fail to make my day :)

i managed to spend some of my rare break times with ex 1ad3ians today. I suddenly realised how much i missed laughing in class. Of course there are funny stuff tht happens in my current class but its not like those tht keeps you laughing for many periods and tht registers in your head even as months pass by. I guess if you're in a class that's not accademically driven (at least, not this yr i guess), you tend to see and feel more.. human. Where things are simpler and laughter sounds from deep within...

the results are so absurd.

i can see tht you guys are happier without me.
sigh.

On a happier note, i went out today :) embarked on a lone shopping trip and indulged in the expenditure of accessories. haha. i bought like 5 sets of earrings and 1 necklace.. and something for cel for her bday (: [ahhh cel if ure reading this, i miss you and i need to pass u ur present so pls meet up soon!] and plus i bought my bodyshop's shampoos and conditioner :D total expenditure of $60+++ but i felt happy

yeah and i went to NLB alone today.. did some research on the 7th storey. i think NLB's reference corner's cool man. supposed to do PW research but i realised the info i found were all the same from those i saw from the net. then i found lit stuff there too and HAHA so interesting i kept reading. oh and i saw jose on my way back to bugis :B!!!

anyhows, i met up with jere kor (who has lousy street sense :X). we cabbed to concourse shopping mall which has a burger king outlet that is totally ulu and quiet so i managed to finish my remaining 5 lit qns and my chem tutorial, and to read my 3chaps of brave new world. ULTIMATE. haha. after which we went to eat bak ku teh! haha quite delicious :) and i realise tht area has FANTASTIC shophouses architectures for photography so HAHA MARYANNE PLEASE GO WITH ME SOMEDAYYYY :D

ah shit schl tmr. :(
i miss first 3mths :(

i miss.. being impt.

researching on the two lit text im handling right now - brave new world and great expectations - makes me really excited about lit :) i could even feel the passion for literary text rushing in my blood now. heh :)

if you havent noticed, i changed my flickr badge thing at the bottom of my links ;) its another of my acct cus my prev acct's full already.

And i bought a new bag ytd :) not for schl purposes. heh. and i think i shall embark on a lone journey to northpoint once the rain stops.. for some retail therapy :D

and im going to mug at nat lib and watch a movie with jere kor tmr! yay i finally got a study partner :) :)

homeworklist:
-math tutorial 6 (by wed)
-read brave new world first 3 chaps (by mon)
-lit questions (by tue)
-chem tutorial? (by tue?)
-chinese compo (by mon)
-chinese compre (by mon)
-econs DRQ (by mon)
-ipw (by wed)
-gp package (asap)

oooh i feel so relieved and relaxed :) i'm more or less done for monday-due homework! :D

i just realised:

i'm an outcast in my family due to schl.
i'm an outcast in my 1st3mths class due to change of class + band.
soon i'm gg to be an outcast in band due to school, family and level of skills.

is this a vicious cycle that keeps going?

however i've not regretted my choice not to take part.. I've come to realise that maybe, the One up above made me choose not to take part because it is only thru this way, i can be a source of comfort for those who are not taking part. As well as to spend more time with people that i've never really talk much to, or hang out much with in the cca.

And at the same time, concentrate on studies and mastering for june.

it's indeed something much more worthy of. :) Than slogging so hard but not meeting expectations, falling into depression, drifting r/s with family, falling behind in studies, lacking of sleep. AND, i can go for 1AD3 (PAE) class outing cus most likely it'd be changed to a sat evening cus zai came back :D. AND AND i can go for PL's concert cus its on a saturday =D Omg i'm so excited haha.

Of course i cant help feeling left out. And i cant help missing the section cus i'd probably not really associate with all of them till the end of SYF. But i guess since it's my choice, i must live with it. :)

Alrighty i'm done with chinese compo so next up, i guess i'll do some math cus math tuition with yujia later :D
----
your facades.

Is it a human nature to live behind these facades?
That makes people so difficult to intepret, to comprehend?
That pretence can never be realised?

disguise, i see thou art a wickedness.

hmm posting photos again :] i know maybe my photo sucks or whatever but i guess this blog is my blog anw so im free to post whatever I want. and you too, are entitled to leave this blog if you don't like anything u see.. so yeah i do hope i get some respect here as the owner of the blog.

And fyi i like to take underexposed photos..




Seeing my friends being upset for not making the cut.. makes me upset too. As much as i tried to stay chirpy and convince them that life isnt over.. there's this sinking feeling within me.. and that i cant help sharing the same fears they all do. No more saturday dinner out for the nxt 5 weeks. I wonder how much will i miss out...

However what upset me the most is knowing that there are ppl who are glad that the number of people playing is reduced. I cant help but to question a lot of stuff that the band believe in.

I dont deny - part of me really wish i took the chance to audition, and be part of the action and glory. But this mega big part of me is really glad that I didnt - for i've always fear of rejection, and the aftermath of rejection.. well you won't want to know.

I guess this 5 weeks will be pretty long.. well i do hope i will make full use of the time to catch up with my studies and with my non-band life.. such as photography :) yay i finally got time to touch my dslr!

yeah right.. it'd be like after:
-math tutorial 6
-lit questions
-chem tutorial
-chinese compo
-chinese compre
-econs DRQ
-ipw

omg there goes my holidays.

ohana means family.

taken with nikon d70. I want macro lens =(




i think i made the right choice not to audition for syf. seeing the many rejected and scared/stressed faces make me thankful that i'm not one of them, although i kind of feel for them, being in such bad shape.

why must music be something for human to compete? I thought it's meant to be an enjoyment, teaching us togetherness. Why compete when competitions only meant to divide the best from the worst? Why fight for fame when music is about pursuit of passion and perfection? Is competing the only way to gain perfection?

On the other hand, i guess with this temp break from sat prac will be a great chance for me to catch up with a lot of stuff that i couldnt do over the past 4 mths (such as photog, shopping, sleeping, spending time with family, studying etc). furthermore, it'd be a great chance for me to prac hard for june concert. It's indeed a choice that is more.. long term.

All the best to all who are waiting for audition results.

watching Westside story tmr (:

thanks to all who cared.
sorry i just cant help but to snap back at ppl.

i feel like quittin schl.
i dont understand chem, i dont understand chi hw.
i feel so useless.


and please dont mention syf or try to convince me to take part. i cry at the word "syf". seriously. i cried after the phone call from eugene. i cried when amirah tried to convince me to join. i dont know why am i such a crying freak. so please do me this big favour - dont try convincing me.

it's a very tough and painful decision for me. pls don't talk me out of it. it took me quite long to come to making this choice.

Yeah i decided not to sign up for auditions for syf.

I cried during the midst of making a choice. I dont know why but somehow tears kept flowing. Part of me want to be in the syf grp to work hard alongside with others, but the other part of me have no confidence in myself, both in terms of coping with work and band techniques, as well as to maintain my health esp when it has already been quite bad recently.. just tht ppl dont see and know it. What made me have this final decision in the end is that i don't want to be part of the band's burden to excel, i dont want to feel bad. My parents objected the participation in SYF anyway. I've already failed many of their expectations, i don't want to continue disappointing my parents......

I really sound as if im tryin to convince myself that ive made a right choice. I really don't know what to do. But i guess since ive chosen this path i shall live with it..

so why are these tears still falling?

decided to skip schl cus of my recurring headache again. i think i'm going to see a doc tonight. plus ive gotta catch up with lotsa schoolwork, and im pretty tired. no point gg to sch and sleep in class right? :/
----

4mths of practising for this very day whizzed by. And now, it's over.

Although it wasnt very much to perfection, and i know i didnt perform very well... quite a few band friends told me tht it was a great concert. hmm. but yeah, i'm still quite happy because i know i tried my very best, despite the mistakes I made. Within this short 4mths, i managed to struggle through this huge jump from sec sch band pieces to playing a jc band piece. And i managed to slur that tuning Bb to high F to 1 octave higher than tuning Bb in March. omg i was never able to do that during combineds.

Anyhows, it was a good experience and exposure. I guess this concert made me strong, through the many tears shed and tiredness experienced along the way.

meanwhile here's a selection of photos tht i look better in :D